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Where Did Candace Go?

The push and pull of independence and a new marriage (Candace)

I got a really sweet message from Brad today. He sent me a video he took of himself reflecting on my relationship with Andrew, and spent the majority of his time talking about the huge amount of trust that the two of us have for one another. Specifically, Andrew knows that Brad and I met a few years ago through dating each other, and yet, when we wanted to go to a music festival together on Gilli Trawangan Island for four days, Andrew was completely fine with us going without him (he was invited, btw, but decided that he’d rather spend the time working-much more responsible than me).

But then, after four days of sharing a hotel room with Brad, I came back into Andrew’s arms feeling nothing but love and happiness. He trusted me completely. And I was completely trust worthy.

Funny how that works.

We talked about this video tonight in the Tokyo airport, and about how important it is to allow each other to be completely themselves. This is what made us work in the beginning and it is a big and important part of our relationship. One that we are proud of and will consciously continue to work on.

But we were also inspired into conversation by something else Brad said. He was talking about how sexy independent women are, and why men find themselves attracted to independent women, only to stifle that independence once in a relationship with them.

And as I heard this, I thought, “Am I really all that independent anymore? I don’t think I am.”

For example: Yesterday, I wanted to go to Kakamura on some friends’ advice, but Andrew wanted to go to the Tokyo National Museum. When he suggested that I could go on my own, I looked at the transit route, and once I saw that it was 90 minutes and three trains away, I literally said, “I can’t do it without you.”


Of COURSE I could go to a temple without him. I’ve travelled the world on my own for 35 years, for God’s sake. Where was this coming from??? In all honesty, I just didn’t want to go without him, but the words that came out of my mouth scared me.

And then this morning, we got into a doozie of a fight over finances. Before our trip, Andrew suggested that we put a meaningful amount of money away in a Putnam savings account in case we couldn’t find work when we got back. But once we both had jobs awaiting us these past few weeks, we’ve been blowing a silly amount of money, way more than we had saved for our trip.

That’s what credit cards are for, right?

We justified our splurging on the fact that we could just request a check from our Putnam account and set up a joint bank account when we get to Hawaii (i.e. back in the US), and then we could pay off our credit cards.

Well, Putnam ran into some fluke issues, and as a result, it is not likely we will be able to get this done while we are in Hawaii, and we won’t be together again until Thanksgiving. Meanwhile, my credit card bill is the highest it has been in years, and I’m watching my credit score drop by the day (I really pride myself on having good credit, and had an 832 before this little spend-fest).

Suddenly this morning I felt like I had kind of given over my independence and financial responsibility to the relationship, and now I’m wondering where Candace went.

What's strange is that this hasn't happened because Andrew has limited me in any way. I have been limiting myself.

I’m sure that some of my emotions are normal for all newly married couples, and are only exacerbated by being abroad for so long, but I’m in need of the sexy independent woman I know and love.

We are going to separate for two weeks after Hawaii to start work and spend time with family, and will have two weeks apart in December as well. And I have to admit that, while I absolutely love spending time with Andrew, my favorite person in the world, I am looking forward to reuniting with Candace for a bit.