It’s 7:30, and I’m back in the hotel room. I went to the sailing club for dinner, spent too much money on mediocre food, and just wanted to come back and watch tv.
I can’t tell if I’m mad at you for being so dismissive to me lately, or if I’m mad at you for progressively retreating further and further into your books as we continue to travel, or mad at myself for being so dependent upon you.
I don’t need you to enjoy myself. Or don’t I? My behavior tonight would certainly indicate the opposite. And I’m already picturing you coming back in an hour or two happy as a clam, glad that you had the evening to tour the city on your own.
When did this get so turned around? When did I become so dependent? And when did you begin resenting me for it?
More importantly, what can I do to change things at this point? We have two+ months left on this trip (not to mention a lifetime after that), and I will not allow myself and us to let this progress further. We have to find a way to be together and alone. We have to find a way to communicate with respect and respect each other’s need for alone time.
I just wish I could tell you these things and know that you are loving me and hearing me and wanting to find a way to fix this too. But every time I open my mouth and see your face, I can tell that I’m not reaching you.